What do you think of these lyrics.?

I've wrote some good songs in the past and I've won my local battle of the bands with my own songs and now starting to write an album I've got 5 songs in the bag but I'm not sure about these lyrics? What you reckon.



If they are rubbish please say and save me embarrassment in the future

The Bum Who Tried To Take On The World



If I saw you cutting in line

I鈥檓 afraid to say I鈥檇 give you a piece of my mind

Taking the shortcut really isn鈥檛 you thing

It suites you like a colourless spring



Just cos鈥?the right way may not be easy

Even on a bad day when you鈥檙e cold and sleazy

Isn鈥檛 an excuse to make things easy



I saw you in town just the other day

You looked like a bum with your unwashed hair

You had unclean clothes which made it hard not to stare

As difficult as it was to not stand and stare

I managed to stand up tall and look the other way



Even when things have got you down

Don鈥檛 let the bad things steal your crown

Avoid drunk nights crawling the streets

It will only make embarrassment, just admit defeat



You will never know a guy who took on the world

You may have heard of people who gave it a go

But they only say this just for show



You might have toured all around the world

Seen the sights that you see in ya鈥?dream

Done all the things that get ya鈥?tummy in a twist

But at the end your back to the start

A simple man just looking for fun

An failed old bum who crossed the line

He was the bum who tried to take on the world



Even when things have got you down

Don鈥檛 let the bad things steal your crown

Avoid drunk nights crawling the streets

It will only make embarrassment, just admit defeat



You will never know a guy who took on the world

You may have heard of people who gave it a go

But they only say this just for showWhat do you think of these lyrics.?
I really like the song but maybe i would work on the rhyme sceme-- you know like in poetry--



some of your lines are like:



a

a

b

a



and you could make them more like



a

b

a

b



sorry if i am being confusing its just try to make every other line rhyme or make your own rhyme sceme. just show consistency. I absolutely love the lines, though!!
its one of those songs were you want to here where its going, but it gets to where, you dont want to listen anymore.





but it might be better if i knew the beat and stuff.What do you think of these lyrics.?
well i think it is a good song because it tells you about how to deal with the bad things in life.
Pretty good. I like it.What do you think of these lyrics.?
Yeah It cool i like it
i dont like it

but maybe that use im a person that not in to that type of music
its um ok
i like it...your good at writing lyrics. :)
how old are you?
it aint awful, but try not to just rhyme your trailers, but actually flow your whole lines together... rather than: "if our relationship ends, i hope -- i can live with my heart bein broke"... try, "it's just that, if our relationship ends -- i hope i can adjust, to that"



hope i could help, you got some purrty decent stuff